"Who are you trying to fool?" I asked myself while sitting behind my new mahogany desk in a high back swivel chair...

"Who are you trying to fool?" I asked myself while sitting behind my new mahogany desk in a high back swivel chair.  Sure, I wore a charcoal wool suit, silk blouse and stylish black pumps.  My hair had recently been cut, colored, and styled.  Make up was lightly applied.  I supposed I looked professional.  A match for the title on my business card, Branch Manager.  I'd arrived, I was sitting on the top rung of the ladder.

            And yet beneath this carefully constructed image, a dismayed soul wondered what on earth she was doing sitting in that chair.  What made me think I could do this job?  Sure, I had decades of experience, knowledge, and appropriate educational designations.  But, being responsible for absolutely everything?  Like budgets, staffing, results, customer service?   Developing, motivating, managing and leading a team for some reason both excited and terrified me.  I knew the components I could excel at, perhaps ninety percent of the job.  And yet, why did the ten percent where doubt exists plague and haunt me that first day in the position?

But in fact, every banking job I'd held had been the same over twenty odd years.  Over and over again, I had to prove (to myself), I could, in fact, do the job.  Each and every rung up the corporate ladder, until this.  This would be the last step, the end to convincing myself.  And like all other jobs before it, quite quickly, I mastered it.  I achieved accolades, won competitions, exceeded expectations, attained the coveted Branch of the Year award.  Everything I could have ever wanted, right?  So why did I feel like I was suffocating, like a pillow smothering me?  When had my breathing actually become to be so short, so shallow?

              Time marches on as it tends to do.  One day, I found myself walking around picturesque Mill Lake on a lunch break.  I realized once I arrived, that I was seeking solitude, as well, solace in nature.  Towering maples were barren of leaves, the chill in the air formed a white foggy vapor as my warm breath exhaled.  Breathing deeply, walking slowly, I soaked up nature's sights like a sponge. 

            A pair of bald eagles appeared to be at rest, perched high in a huge maple, sitting just above last year's well constructed nest.   The lake’s waters were calm except for the gentle ripples of wintering ducks paddling nearby.  Occasionally, they'd dip down beneath the surface foraging for food, head submerged underwater, tail feathers tipped up toward sky.  Oblivious to passers-by, they intently focused on the task at hand - providing nourishment for self.  

            And In the absence of the typical lightening pace, the whirring and purring of machines and hovering bodies demanding attention… I heard a different sound.  A small, internal voice softly whispered, “Where are you going? " 

            Just then one of the eagles swooped down from his perch, gliding with stilled wings, circling the lake.  Perhaps he was scouting for prey.  Perhaps he was simply taking flight just because he could.   Effortlessly, this magnificent creature soared with ease;  merely by releasing his talons from the branch he'd clung to and extending his wings.

The inner voice grew louder, demanding an audience.  “You can do it, but you don’t want to do it.  It was never really you.”  There.  It was said.  And, it was true.  The job, the image, it was all like donning another layer of clothing each day.  Habitually, I'd been slipping on a mask as easily as I applied moisturizer daily.  I realized my strength and my nemesis had become paradoxical.  It was the people I had nurtured and cared about, and, the people that I'd allowed to drain the once pulsating life blood from my veins.   

At that moment the eagle swooped down towards the shore's edge.  Without breaking stride, talons snatched and tightly grasped his next meal as wings worked, pumping at air.  One can learn much about life from observing nature I've always thought.  I rose from my bench, my step lighter, quicker.  I was breathing deep.  I felt old man winter bite my cheeks, but also sensed resolve strongly lingering in the air.  

****

During dinner that evening, believe it or not, the fortune cookie cemented the decision "Take the Leap - Your Courage Will See You Through."  From my perspective, having courage is a requirement not only for career transition, but also for viewing self in life’s mirror.  It takes courage  to receive and accept a reflection that I can live with. 

            Traditionally, my courage is like a quiet, contained, internal roar.  I'm a Leo, and typically Leo’s, if wounded, will silently lick their wounds in solitude.  Similarly, I contemplate my fears in seclusion as well, examining the pros and cons of onfrontation.  My deepest fear is to be held captive in any way, inclusive of feeling trapped by fear itself.  Eventually, I face my fears:  I confront, I challenge, and I overcome. 

            The pros for staying in a job I'd allowed to siphon the marrow from my bones included a big pay-cheque, security, and some paid benefits.   Yup, that pretty much wrapped up the pros list.  I'd allowed the job to become my life, then lost self or identity to the role, my zest had perished, I bordered on burnout. Wealth is worthless if ten feet under (except to estate beneficiaries).   So, I planned to escape.  Premature retirement.  I was prepared to let the chips fall where they may and resigned. 

            We moved to our own piece of paradise.  Nature surrounds, inspires and nurtures me.  Breathtaking views are ever changing much like an artist's infinite palette of color and endless supply of canvas.  Eagles scout, squirrels scurry and lofty firs and scented pines seem to embrace me.  For awhile, I did nothing but simply immerse myself in nature and right brain recreation to replenish the depleted spirit. 

            I've now had the opportunity to try different types of work.  I'd always wanted to check-out groceries.  I found it incredibly social, somewhat mindless, and fun!  At work, fun!  Subsequently, another opportunity quickly surfaced where I could utilize my past skill set and  volunteerism passion.  I actually got paid well to boot! 

            As this new opportunity was winding down, I stumbled upon a writing position.  Once again, the position utilizes my business skill set, but as well, my passion for writing.  I work from home so the commute is great!  I work at my own pace and around those other activities that bring me joy.  I will absolutely never get rich with this opportunity!  But, I long ago decided, it is not about the money anymore.  Quality of life, work/life balance, and nurturing my spirit are higher priorities. 

            The nearest hub from home is an absolutely magical fifteen minute drive around three lakes and pristine nature.   Heading home with groceries the other day, I was listening to Bob Seger, navigating the windy roads around the lakes.  His song “Against the Wind” was playing.   I recognized that his words “running against the wind” were aligned with my own life experiences.  At times, the winds have blown cold, hard, cruelly pounding against my flesh.  I’ve struggled against wind’s powerful weight, leaning, pushing, prodding forward, one step at a time. 

            Other instances, I’ve leapt forward courageously; challenged the pre-ordained, broken the rules, beat to my own drum, created my own path.  My direction always remains the same.  Forward.  Hopefully, to a destination of self actualization, serenity, and inner peace.  As each year passes, progress in this journey forward is indeed measurable in some ways.  And now, while still running against the wind, for the most part, the wind’s at my back.  My pace has gracefully slowed, and now, more so, it’s ocean’s gentle breezes that caress my face, move my heart, and lift my spirit.